


Catharsis

by Veraison



Category: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat
Genre: Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Spanking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-08-14 07:48:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16488575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Veraison/pseuds/Veraison
Summary: There's something wrong with Laurent, who seems to be wasting away day by day.





	1. Chapter 1

There was a whip on the table. Damen took a deep breath. This time it’s not silver. It was a real whip. Something burning yet cold ran down his back. There’s a ghost of an ache there. Laurent didn’t look at him. He’s staring at the floor, playing with the bed sheet. When Damen had heard Laurent had already retired for the night, this wasn’t what he had had in mind. 

“Laurent, what is this madness?” The whip reminded Damen of a snake, black and vicious and deadly. 

“You still carry scars on your back, while mine is untouched.” He cocked his head, staring at Damen and yet not meeting his eye. “Don’t you think it is unfair?”

Slowly, as if approaching a skittish colt, Damen made his way closer to the bed. “I forgave you for it a long time ago.”

Laurent wrapped the bed sheet tighter around himself. “Maybe you shouldn’t have.”

Damen sighed. “I’m not going to do it.”

“At first I thought you should do it out in the courtyard. So it would be the same when I did it to you. But it wouldn’t really work in this new political climate. Maybe at the Summer palace, when we are in private.”

Damen thought about the Summer palace, the memories merely the name brought to his mind. How warm and happy everything had felt. He thought about the whip, how it would forever mar the place with blood and pain.  
“Laurent, I already said I am not going to do it.”

 

At last Laurent looked him in the eye. “Then someone else will.”

Just weeks ago the answer would have made Damen push Laurent against a wall and fuck him until he could only moan Damen’s name. However, the last three weeks had been exhausting. Laurent spent his nights pacing the room, he hardly ate anything and while he spent every day behind his desk, the number of papers on it just seemed to grow. Damen, who did his own part when it came to their kingdom, couldn’t understand where all the papers came from. Once he glanced at them while Laurent had angrily stomped out. He had been surprised to find that Laurent had been battling with the same three-page letter for days.

“Sweetheart, come to bed.” He let his hand rest on Laurent’s shoulder.

“I haven’t been able to sleep.” The darkness under Laurent’s eyes wasn’t just from the harsh light of the torches. The purpleness of it told stories of nights spent in vain. 

“Come to bed at least. We can talk there.” Maybe Laurent would fall asleep once he was resting.

Damen helped Laurent strip and then tucked him in. Usually their bedtime routine involved laughter, soft whispers, hands traveling over each other’s bodies. This time there was nothing but silence and shadows. Laurent’s pale skin seemed to glow in the moonlight. Damen climbed into the bed. 

“Want to tell me what this all is about?” He wanted to reach out and pull Laurent to an embrace, but he knew better.

“I can’t.” Laurent was on his back, his arm thrown over his face. “It just… It feels like there’s something inside me. Something that makes me tremble and sweat. As if a heavy burden was always hanging from my neck. My lungs feel too small, I can’t breathe properly.”

“Do you need me to call Paschal?” Damen asked. He wanted to soothe Laurent, tell him there was nothing to worry about. Lately it seemed as if Laurent’s mind invented worries on its own. 

“I don’t know if he could help. I asked him for something to help me sleep, but it didn’t work.” Laurent was still hiding his face. “I haven’t felt hunger in a month. I can force myself to eat but nothing tastes like anything.”

Damen let himself touch Laurent’s hair. It felt greasy and he could feel the sweat starting to form on Laurent’s forehead. 

“Sometimes, when soldiers go to war, they only feel the effects when they return home. Some of them say that everything tastes like ash. Or they can’t sleep and when they finally do, so deeply exhausted their bodies just can’t stay awake, they are once more returned to the battle.” Damen started playing with Laurent’s hair. “I think, your mind has been so long at war and now, when it is safely home, it needs some time to adjust. To believe it’s here and nothing bad will happen.”

Laurent turned his back to Damen. “You have been at war. Did you feel like that after it was over?”

Damen thought for a moment and then decided to be truthful. “No. But I was young then. They say young men feel invincible. That was true, at least in my case.” He didn’t mention he had only been two years younger than Laurent was now.


	2. Chapter 2

Laurent didn’t get better after their talk. If anything, he got worse. Before he had forced himself to eat, to get up from the bed. Now he stayed there, wrapped up in the sheets as if hiding from the world. Even his mind didn’t seem to be awake. Damen talked to him about everything he could think of but received no answer. Sometimes Laurent rambled about trivial things.  
“I can’t concentrate. It feels like my mind is being pulled in different directions at once.”

At night Laurent would toss and turn so much Damen himself felt it hard to fall asleep. And when he did, Laurent would wake him with questions. Did he think Kempt would attack them? Was their kingdom as stable as they thought it was? Maybe they should get a food taster.  
Damen tried to be patient and soothe Laurent’s fears. But it seemed as if each worry died only to give life to two new ones. 

It was the season for peaches and Damen made sure the best ones, the one dripping juice and the color of the morning sun, were brought to Laurent. Laurent took one and bit into it. Then he met Damen’s gaze.  
“Tastes like sand.” He spit out the soft skin. The rest of the peaches were left to rot. Damen couldn’t make himself to eat them. 

Laurent’s hair began to thin. His skin lost its shine. His lips cracked from the dryness of his mouth and the venom he spit out. Each day he was worn-out, more close to letting go of all the strings he still held. The thin, sharp strands cut into his mind and the more he held on, the more it hurt. He was always on alert, always something in his mind demanding his attention. 

 

It all had started when Laurent complained that his right back tooth hurt. Damen had told him to wait and see if the pain would go away on its own. It didn’t. Next morning Laurent said all of his teeth hurt. He refused to eat, claiming that it hurt. Paschal asked to take a look, but his offer wasn’t accepted. 

“Your highness, it is better to get rid of teeth that are rotting. They can be a great source of pain and discomfort. And lead to even worse problems with time.”

Laurent refused to open his mouth. Damen succeed in getting him to drink some water, but no food was accepted. 

“What if he refuses to let you pull his tooth?” Damen asked Paschal while Laurent was sleeping. As much it could be called sleeping, more like groaning and turning, still half awake. 

“I don’t think his majesty truly needs to have any teeth pulled. Of course, I would like to make sure of that, but I highly doubt it.”

“What do you mean? He has complained about toothache for three days.” Damen stole a glance at Laurent, making sure he hadn’t fallen off the bed.

“His highness seems to be grinding his teeth even now, which can result in pain. And he clenches when he is feeling under pressure.” Paschal sighed. “If he would let his teeth rest, even for a day, I’m sure it would be enough to ease his pain.”

So Damen tried his best to get Laurent to relax. He laid next to him in the bed, he offered books, he tried to get Laurent to talk. None of those things worked. Finally, he lifted Laurent up from the bed. Laurent didn’t fight it but he didn’t make it easy, either. He was as phlegmatic as a dead animal. And smelled about the same. Damen threw him over his shoulder and carried to the baths. The servants bowed as soon as he stepped in, but Damen waved them away. He put Laurent down in the water. As his nightshirt got wet, it became see-through. Laurent had always been thin but the last month hadn’t treated him kindly. Damen could count his ribs.

“My shirt is getting wet.” Laurent shivered so hard his teeth chattered.

“Good, it needs to be washed anyway.” Damen helped Laurent take the shirt off. The water felt skin-warm. Damen called for more hot water. Fall was coming and the cold seemed to travel through the marble floors. 

Damen assisted Laurent so he could lay down, his back against the rim of the bath. Damen sat behind him and started combing Laurent’s hair with his fingers. The knots were small but tight, typical for fine hair. He massaged Laurent’s scalp, soft circles with the tips of his finger. Laurent sunk lower in the water, as if a string had been holding him up and suddenly, it had been cut. 

After a moment, Damen moved his hands lower, so that he was cupping Laurent’s jaw from behind. He pressed his thumbs down along the jawline and massaged Laurent’s cheeks. The muscles there were all tensed up, proving Paschal had been right about Laurent clenching his jaw.

For awhile they sat there, Laurent soaking in the water, Damen massaging his jaw. 

 

“I’ll wash your hair for you,” Damen said and reached for the soap.

“Would you love me even if they pull all my teeth out?”

That made Damen stop. He stayed there, hand halfway in the air. The answer was clear, but he was too confused to blurt it out before Laurent started rambling. 

“It will change how my face looks, you know. My cheeks will sink in, it will age me. Eating will be harder, even with wooden teeth. And of course, kissing me will be nothing but unpleasant.” Laurent started shaking. “And speaking, dear god. How will I speak without my teeth?”

Damen let silence reign while he took the soap and started washing Laurent’s hair. 

“Laurent, my love.” He wanted Laurent to look him in the eye, but he didn’t want to force him. “My heart. You are the most beautiful man I have ever seen, but your looks are not the reason I love you. I want to grow old with you, see you with wrinkles, with white hair or even without hair, I want to see your fair skin gain spots with age. And, eventually, I’ll see you with less teeth. But that won’t be for years.” Damen didn’t let Laurent interrupt. “Paschal told me your teeth are most likely hurting from clenching them.”

Laurent said nothing. He sat in the water, so still the water around him barely moved.

“He told me the same,” Laurent finally whispered. “But I just… I just can’t believe him.”

“Why not? Just try to relax, it will help with the pain. And if it doesn’t, we will see what has to be done. But Paschal, and I, doubt you need to have any teeth pulled. “

Laurent tensed and turned so fast his hair sent drops of water flying. 

“I don’t know if you have noticed, Damianos, but I can’t relax. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. My body has turned into a husk that barely contains my mind.” Laurent stood up, clearly meaning to rush back to the bedroom, but his knees gave out. 

Damen knelt to help him up, but to his surprise, he could see a pool of water pool under Laurent’s face. Tears were streaming down Laurent’s cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this fic won't feature anything i think is trigger worthy (if you think otherwise, please let me know and i will tag it) However, there will be discussions of grave things: illness, mental health, death etc. i don't really know yet, but i'll be sure to tag anything that seems particularly heavy  
> edit: Im very thankful for all the kudos, so happy to know how many people like this little therapy project of mine. I would be so happy to get comments too, i just love discussion about stories, especially ones i have written. Or if you have personal experience with anxiety, i would be happy to hear about that too


	3. Chapter 3

“Oh, sweetheart.” Damen pulled Laurent to his chest, holding him close. His chiton got wet near where Laurent’s face was pressed into it. Laurent shook hard, even when Damen tried to keep him still. He whispered sweet nonsense, trying to get Laurent to take a deep breath. 

“I just feel so scared,” Laurent whispered. “That this is it. My madness has finally caught up on me. I will never again be what I was before.”

Damen waited so Laurent would calm down a bit more and then made Laurent look him in the eye.

“Then you won’t be. We all grow and change. That is just how life goes. I am not the same man when I was twenty.” For a moment Damen forget how he was going to continue from there. The memories of being twenty filled his mind. He had already had his legend-worthy victory against the golden prince of Vere. But he had still been an adolescent in some ways. While most days had been filled with laugh and sun, at least now when they existed only in his memory, there had been those when he had simply stayed in bed. Sometimes there had been a sense of overwhelming doom and responsibility. He had been so uncertain if he could ever be enough. Not good enough, clever enough, not strong enough, just in a general sense. If there was enough in him to be a man, to be king. 

In the end, he had found he was capable of more than he had ever thought possible. In good and bad. And that whatever he needed to be, he had in him. And now, he needed to be there for Laurent. 

“I am better man than before I had met you. I am sure whoever you will be after this, that person will be true, wise and an even better version of you.”

Laurent pulled himself out of Damen’s embrace. But not in an angry way, more as if he was tired and ready to go to bed. 

“What if there is no after? What if I will be like this for the rest of my days?”

“Let’s not worry about that, when we should concentrate on getting you better.”

Laurent scoffed. “And how are you going to do that?”

 

Damen helped Laurent into bed. Paschal had left them a potion to help with Laurent’s sleeping issues. Damen had Laurent drink it all, even when Laurent complained the potion had never helped before. 

“But it hasn’t made it worse either, has it?” 

Laurent rolled his eyes, which was enough to make Damen’s heart leap out of his chest. There was a sign of normalcy there, sign of something else than pain and melancholy. Laurent drank the potion and let Damen tuck him in and pet his hair. By sunset, Laurent was sleeping peacefully. Damen sat by the bed, looking at Laurent’s soft hair and unblemished skin. Laurent looked so vulnerable and young like this, when his eyes, the mirror into his everworking mind, could not be seen. 

“He’s young,” Nikandros had said to him once. They had been on their way from Ios to Marlas and had stopped to feed the horses. Laurent had been feeding his own horse and combing its mane. And as   
always with horses, they had brought into open the Laurent Damen knew he could be, and who he was when they were in private. There had been a small yet unbelievably soft smile on Laurent’s face. 

“It’s hard to remember, when you talk with him,” Nikandros continued, “But he’s just a bit over twenty, isn’t he?”

The sun had played with Laurent’s glimmering hair. He had looked happy and small. And young. Damen had thought about Laurent five years ago. How much of his adolescence he had spent hiding in darkness, watching his own back. Then Laurent had turned to look at Damen and all other thoughts had disappeared from his mind.

Laurent woke up once the stars had come out. Damen had come to bed, but tonight he had been the one having problems with falling asleep. He was still awake when Laurent turned to look at him.

“Hello, lover.” Laurent’s smile wandered somewhere between teasing and apologetic. Damen pulled him close and held him. He listened to Laurent’s breath, deep and stable. 

“Sleeping helped more than I thought it would.”

Damen smiled. “Good. Would you like to sleep some more? It is still dark.”

“No. I better get up and continue working.” And with that, Laurent got up and started putting his clothes on. 

Damen grabbed his arm gently. “Are you sure that is wise? You should rest some more, maybe read something fun and easy.”

Laurent scoffed. “I can manage on my own, thank you very much.”  
“But you can’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would really love comments!


	4. Chapter 4

The next day Laurent spent with his papers and books. He paid no mind to Damen’s pleas that he rest, just for a moment. He hardly ate or drank anything. When evening came and Damen had made up his mind that he would force Laurent to eat at least something, Laurent started putting on his riding boots.

“The clouds promise a storm,” Damen said. Laurent scoffed. 

“I like riding in a storm.”

“Not in these storms, you don’t. Ios has its fair share of thunder and strong winds.”

Damen received no answer.

The storm came together with the night. The wind was picking up. Ships that had been ready to leave, started to roll down their sails. The rain was clearly a fall rain, after a long summer. The raindrops were small, but cold and came down with force. Damen wasn’t worried, yet. Laurent was a good rider and he had ridden in woods near Ios many a times before. Never in this kind of weather, however. He made sure there was a fire in the fireplace and a warm bath waiting for his lover when he came back. 

When the thunder started, Damen could feel the seeds of worry in his heart. They bloomed once Laurent’s horse returned without its rider.

 

Laurent had ridden farther than ever before. He hadn’t meant to, but the thrill of riding had taken over. When the rain had started, it had been barely more than a few drops here and there. However, little by little, the drops got bigger and heavier, the wind started to get through Laurent’s jacket and the rain made the ground slippery and muddy. He had thought about turning back, when staying on the path had started to get harder. But it had been just a thought. He wanted to make Damen eat his words. He would return once the storm was over, calm and composed. He would greet Damen with a nod and a ‘The rain was most refreshing, wasn’t it?’

Then thunder rumbled and Laurent’s horse threw him off. He landed face first into the mud. He spit out the dirt that had ended up in his mouth and tried to wipe his face clean. His wrist had landed badly, it was twisted between him and the ground. His knees hurt and standing up made him wince. 

Even in a dark forest, he could see the white of his horse. He reached out his hand, tried to get the horse to come closer, so he could grasp the reins, but while he could stand, walking was too much for his ankle. Then lightning struck and his horse was gone. Laurent pushed his muddy hair from his eyes. His heart started to beat faster. He was alone, in a storm. Night was coming. He knew he needed to find somewhere safe to stay, but he couldn’t move. Finally he crawled closer to a tree, hoping it would provide some protection from the rain. Laurent pulled his legs close to his chest. It hurt, but it would keep him a bit warmer. 

Damen was saddling his horse when Nikandros found him. 

“You can’t go alone.”

Damen turned to look at Nikandros. “I know you must think me mad. But I can’t just leave Laurent alone in this storm. He’s even without his horse. What if something happened to him?” For the first time since Laurent’s horse had returned, Damen let himself put his fear into words. 

Nikandros clasped his shoulder. “I think you are mad. But what I meant to say, is that I’m coming with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The spanking will probs be in the next chapter


	5. Chapter 5

Laurent’s clothes stuck to his skin. They didn’t even keep him warm anymore, they were drenched in water and mud and the cold wind made sure that he was freezing. It was so dark he could hardly see his own hands. Somehow he didn’t feel panicked. Just empty and cold. He didn’t feel his toes anymore, which wasn’t a good sign. He had stopped shivering a while ago. 

“You should put him over your knee as soon as you find him,” Nikandros grunted. 

Damen turned to look at him. They were both wet and their torch would soon burn out. But Damen had no time to feel irritated. All of his mind was concentrating on finding Laurent. It was hard to see in the dark and because Laurent had left before the rain had started, there were no hoof prints to follow. 

He was thankful Nikandros hadn’t said ‘if they found Laurent’.

“That is what your father would have done if you ever did anything as stupid as this.” Nikandros sighed. “And he found out about it.” If the circumstances had been different, Damen would have laughed at all the things his father hadn’t caught him doing. 

“I’m not his father.”

“You are his only family.” Nikandros rode closer to Damen. Damen could see the plea in his friend’s eyes. “And he has no heir. If he keeps doing this, he will end up dead and send Vere into a civil war.” 

And Damen knew better than anyone how intertwined Vere and Akielos were. 

“He has had a hard month.”

Nikandros grunted. “So have you.”

Damen looked at his torch. They didn't have much time. Once the torch was out, he would send Nikandros back. Damen glanced at the ground and suddenly warmth filled him. There were hoofprints in the mud. 

Laurent could hear voices. He was not sure if they were really there or just in his mind. The forest was so dark he couldn’t even see shadows. It was a moonless night. He pushed his face into his hands. It was hard to breath, the cold had made its way into his lungs. Just the same morning he had woken up next to Damen. Now it seemed like he was going to die alone. Maybe it would be best to fall asleep, to save himself from the pain. His mind was filled with thoughts about things he would never experience. He knew he had been wrong to accept Damen’s love and companionship. He deserved neither and now he would pay for them. And so would Damen. 

The stars came out. Laurent was thankful for the little light they provided. 

“All I am saying is that a smack or two to his backside would do him good and curb some of that stubbornness.” 

Damen didn’t answer. He would think about this once Laurent was safe and sound. He agreed with Nikandros that they couldn’t go on like this. Laurent had to learn to work with him, not adjacent to him. 

While Laurent’s mind was as bright and quick as mercury, Damen had spent his entire life as a future king. He had been taught how govern his people since before he could understood what it meant. Laurent was no longer fighting for his throne and for his life. He needed to start letting people in, for his own good. 

The voices were getting closer and Laurent thought he could see some light. His hands were so cold he couldn’t move his fingers and his ankle still couldn’t support his weight, but he tried his best to stand. The bark of tree felt coarse against his hand, but he needed something to keep him upright. His body began to warm once he could see that it was indeed a torch, the light he had seen.  
Laurent tried to find his voice, to call for help. The wind has stolen his voice, but evidently he could croak something, because the torch light started to approach. 

The hoof prints ended in a puddle of mud. Damen could see footprints, but he couldn’t make any sense of where they continued. He was about to send Nikandros back and continue alone, but then he heard a sound, a voice. 

Laurent felt his heart beat faster.

Damen had somehow imagined Laurent waiting for him, calm and composed as always, his hair shining in the darkness. He hadn’t expected to find his lover muddy and frozen. Damen was on the ground before his horse had stopped. He gathered Laurent into his arms.  
And still, he expected a sarcastic reply, but Laurent only grasped him as tightly as his frozen hands could.

“What were you thinking,” Damen murmured into his hair. Laurent didn’t answer, maybe he didn’t even hear.

“Are you hurt?” Damen asked, helping Laurent to the saddle. Laurent shook his head.

“Not badly. My wrist and ankle are sprained and my knees will probably be black and blue tomorrow.” Suddenly Laurent sat up straighter. “And my horse? Did you see him?”

“He came back alone, that is how we knew something was wrong,” Damen comforted him and pulled Laurent closer to himself to keep him warm. Laurent nodded in reply. 

They rode back in silence. Laurent closed his eyes and breathed in Damen’s scent. He was home.

Once they were back at the palace, Damen sent Nikandros to get Pascal and had servants fill the bath with more warm water. Usually Laurent and him would visit the palace baths, but tonight Damen wanted as much privacy as he could get, so a bath in their room would have to do. 

Laurent started stripping as soon as he saw the bathtub filled with steaming water. However, a sprained wrist made all the lacings harder to open, so he had to have Damen help him. It was nothing unusual, Damen attending him in this manner was their foreplay often enough. But this time it felt different. Damen didn’t speak, there was not a single moment of a soft caress, just strong fingers opening his shirt and pulling his trousers down. Even nakedness felt strange, it made Laurent’s cheeks bloom with warmth. He tried to step into the bath to hide, but Damen grasped his arm. 

“I’ll wipe you down first. Otherwise we need to change the water right away.”

Laurent nodded. It made sense. He was covered in dirt. Damen wet a cloth in the water and motioned Laurent closer.

He started with wiping Laurent’s face clean. Then he wiped down his chest and shoulders and had Laurent lift his arms. When he was done with Laurent’s back he stopped. Laurent enjoyed the feeling of lukewarm water on his skin. The fireplace had helped his hands gain back some feeling. 

To Laurent’s surprise, Damen continued. It seemed he had stopped just to wet another cloth. This time Damen wiped Laurent shins and his feet. His knees were red and bruises seemed to have already started to form. Then Damen’s hand was on Laurent’s upper back and made him bend over a little. To Laurent’s mortification, he felt the cloth on his buttocks and between them. While Damen had touched him there many a time before, it was always during sex. Somehow, this time Laurent felt vulnerable and exposed.

“Alright, you can bath now.” 

Laurent stepped into the warm water. He let his head rest against the side of the tub and closed his eyes. 

Once Paschal had made sure that Laurent’s own notion of his injuries had been correct and the servants had taken the bath away, Laurent and Damen were again left alone. 

“You should go to bed,” Damen remarked. He seemed to be deep in thought. Damen helped Laurent put his nightshirt on, despite the fact that Laurent could have done it himself. Then he helped Laurent under the covers.

“Aren’t you coming?” Laurent asked.

“I have something i need to discuss with Nikandros,” Damen replied but showed no sign of leaving. After a moment he asked: “Why didn’t you come back once the rain started? You had barely left by then.”

Laurent turned to lay on his stomach. “I wanted to prove you wrong.”

Suddenly Laurent felt Damen lifting the covers from the foot of the bed. They went further up, until they came to rest on the middle of Laurent’s back. Then his nightshirt was pushed out of the way, so his bare bottom was in plain view. Before he had time to protest, Damen had smacked it thrice. The spanks didn’t hurt, they startled Laurent more than anything. The blanket was thrown back over him.

“Stop being so stubborn,” Damen said and kissed Laurent before leaving the room. 

Laurent stayed on his stomach. Feeling so many things at once he barely felt anything at all. Outrage at Damen for presuming he had any right to punish Laurent. Humiliation that Damen’s punishment of choice was one meant for children. But he also felt relieved for reasons he couldn’t understand. As if there had been a string in him that had now been cut and all the tension had been released. It had been such a long time since someone had cared about what he did, not as a king but a human.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this fic has changed a bit. don't worry, it's still about anxiety, but has some kink in it. would be interested in hearing your thoughts! I would be really thankful for comments, im a bit unsure with this story, particularly publishing it, because its so self indulgent. Like are you happy where the story is going?


	6. Chapter 6

Nikandros was waiting for Damen in the parlour. He was drinking wine.

“Well?” Nikandros asked and offered Damen a goblet. Damen took it and drank it empty. 

“I smacked him three times. Hopefully not hard enough to hurt him.” Damen sat down. “I don’t ever want to hurt him. But he can’t keep this up.”

“No, and you did what you had to.” Nikandros filled Damen’s cup again. “He kept you as his slave and whipped your back. Three smacks barely hurt his pride.”

“It was still not right. He’s my lover. There should be no violence between us. I should protect him.”

“And now you have protected him from himself.”

Damen shook his head. “I should have talked to him first. Asked for his opinion.”

“It’s too late now.”

Damen stood up. Nikandros sighed.

Laurent had almost fallen asleep, when he heard steps approaching the door. He lifted his head once he heard the door open.  
Damen closed the door sheepishly behind him and sat on the bed.

“I owe you an apology,” he started and got no further before Laurent interrupted him.

“No, Damianos. You hardly slapped me. If someone here should apologize for violence toward the other, it should be me.” Laurent turned to his side and looked at Damianos.

Damen caressed Laurent’s head. “I have already told you, it is all forgiven.”

“And so is this. I understand why you did it. Next time, warn me first.”

Damen’s hand stopped. “There won’t be a next time.”

Laurent put his hand on top of Damen’s. “So you say now. But what are you going to do the next time when I put myself in danger?”

Damen grunted. “I wish it could be an if.”

“Not a chance, lover.” Laurent smirked. 

“Well, if that happens, I should talk with you about it. Why you didn’t come to me with your worries and problems. You shouldn’t deal with them alone.”

Laurent turned his gaze away. “I know. I’m just afraid to burden you. Some days it feels like a have nothing but worries and problems to give you.”

“Then I want nothing else as long as I have you.”

Laurent didn’t know if Damen pulled him into his lap or if he climbed there. But somehow, they ended like that. Damen sitting on the bed, Laurent in his lap. 

“And about spanking me? Is there going to be a next time for that?” Laurent said, half-joking. 

“Do you want there to be?” Damen replied. He made sure to watch Laurent’s face for any sign of uncomfortableness. 

“Maybe.” Laurent sighed. “I don’t know. It did, somehow, make me feel… I don’t know. I think it could be good for me. Every now and then. I have a tendency to punish myself, to keep grudges, which you already knew, but not just against other people.”

“We can think of something. I don’t want to punish you. We are equals in this relationship.”

Damen couldn’t hear what Laurent replied at first, because he murmured it against Damen’s shoulder. He asked Laurent to repeat himself.

“What if I don’t want us to be equals?”

Damen swallowed. “What do you mean?”

“Right now, with my mind as it is, I don’t think I am your equal. I just… I can’t think like I usually do. Nothing seems to stay in my mind. I forget so many things. I know I forget them but I can’t recall anything.” Laurent breathed deeply. “I can’t take care of my duties as of now. I can’t take care of myself as of now. I need you.”

Damen kissed Laurent. “You have me, always and forever. Just tell me what you need and I will do anything I can to ease your pain.”

Laurent put his hands around Damen’s neck. “Let us sleep.”

 

Damen woke up before Laurent. It was not a surprise, when taken into account how little Laurent had slept for weeks. Damen let himself pet Laurent’s hair. Carefully, so he wouldn’t wake Laurent, now that he was finally sleeping. Laurent made a small noise in his sleep and Damen felt his heart become too heavy for his chest. He stood up and made his way into the gardens. 

It was the season for apples, peaches and oranges. Damen filled a basket with them. The servants tried to offer to do it for him, but Damen wanted to do it himself. He wanted to bring Laurent a basket full of fruits he had picked. He made sure to choose the most perfect ones. Maybe their talk had helped this time. Maybe Laurent had found ease in Damen’s arms. Damen at least hoped so.

When he came back, smelling of the sun and ground after rain, Laurent was awake. He lay in bed, looking at the sky. 

“Damen, bring me a bucket. I am going to be sick.”

The carefully picked fruits fell to the floor. Damen rushed to Laurent’s side and helped him take the empty basket into his lap. He sat behind Laurent and gathered his hair out of the way. They sat there, Laurent gagging, trying to force the bile out from his throat. 

“The thoughts, they are back again,” he whispered. Damen planted a kiss on his neck.

“Tell me, I’m listening. What worries you?”

Laurent shook his head and lifted his hands to pull his hair. His hands trembled. “I can’t say it. It will happen if I say it.” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for MidNightTales for helping me figure out what was off with the last chapter. And thank you, Guest (whoever you maybe) for a very long comment. Writing can be lonely sometimes, so I welcome all discussion. This fics has some themes other than anxiety. Writing about anxiety is easy when I write about battles I have already won. But I still struggle with hypochondria and perfectionism. I also find it harder to figure out how to put them into this fic. Laurent can't really google his symptoms. Once again, this is really a therapeutic project for me, but I would really love to hear what you like about this fic/how you feel about the portrayal of anxiety.


	7. Not an update

So, this work might be abandoned for awhile. My anxiety has gotten worse again and while writing helps (gives me something else to think about) the theme of this story is just too much for me to handle. Hopefully I'll be able to continue this someday

**Author's Note:**

> So after a year of anxiety/ocd, i'm writing this as self indulgent bullshit.


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